The do's & don'ts of coparentingWELL

What you need to know.

There are a lot of ways to behave that will create goodwill in your coparenting relationship.  And there are also many ways to behave that will create ill-will in your coparenting relationship.  Maybe there's just the two of you and maybe you have partners.  It'll be important that you are all on board with the do's and don'ts of coparenting and that you all do your best.  It's not about being perfect - it's about being good enough.  We're human.  We'll make mistakes, but just trying to do the right 'thing' goes a long way. 

This information comes from 20+ years of helping hundreds of families separate as well as being a divorced parent for nearly a decade now.  

I also understand you may want further clarification or have a special situation - so if you have questions -  contact me! I'd be happy to provide you with examples and an explanation as to why these do's and don'ts are so important.  You can always set up a consultation with me as well. 
 

Let's go!

DO

1. Hold in mind what will be in your child's best interest.

2. Stay flexible and stick to agreements - until you make new agreements. 

3. Be on time.  Be on time.  Be on time.  

4. Apologize when you make a mistake.

5. Understand that the value of your word matters.

6. Generosity of spirit towards your coparent matters to the kids.

7. Clarify your boundaries with your coparent.

8. Acknowledge positive attributes in your coparent with your kids.

9. Take into consideration that you are both trying to make loving

decisions for the kids even if you cannot agree.  Even the narcissist

thinks they're doing this, so you'll have to be strategic. 

10. Remember that empathy is not agreement,

but it will go a long way in your coparenting relationship.

11. Find the kernel of truth in what your coparent is saying.

12. Keep your coparent informed of appointments, activities,

academic awards or concerns, and meaningful social engagements.

13. Communicate about house rules and what works at your house. 

14. Refer to the other parent the way the children refer to them.  

15.  Remember your children will identify with both of you.  Seeing positive

aspects of your coparent in them will build their self-esteem and self-worth. 

16.  Be open to being wrong. 

17.  Know your strengths and your blindspots.

18. Understand that what went wrong in the marriage or relationship will

go wrong in the divorce or break-up.  Plan for it and seek support. 

19.  SEEK SUPPORT.  Ask for help.  Focus on who you'd like to become.

20.  Keep your side of the street clean, no matter

what the other side of the street looks like. 

Remember: Divorce isn't a failure. 

But it could be one of your greatest successes. 
DON'T 

1. Talk poorly or allow others to talk negatively about

the other parent or their family and close friends. 

2. Undermine your coparent.

3. Make plans or promises with your kiddos to win their love over the other parent.

4.  Discuss trips or holidays with your kids before clearing plans with your coparent.

5. Schedule activies on your coparent's custodial time without their consent.

6. Discuss grown-up issues with the kids.

7. Argue in front of the children.

8. Be late. I know it happens, but make it the exception. 

9. Ask your child where they'd like to live or what schedule they'd like to have.

10. Ask your children questions about the other parent.  Your child is not your secret agent!

11. Alienate your coparent.  (See Amy Baker's book!!)

12. Withhold important information that involves the children.

13. Let new relationships get in the way of your coparenting relationship.  Learn how to be divorced!

14. Get stuck on 'fairness'.  It doesn't exist. It never did.

15.  Expect your coparent to be a different person now that you're

divorced, BUT learn to deal with them differently. 

16. Break agreements.  

17. Let your ego get the best of you.

18. Put down your coparent's house rules to align with your child.

19. Discuss your divorce with casual friends, especially in your child's

social circles.  Protect their privacy.  This is their story too. 

20.  Don't forget that this is all temporary.  

Do your best.

No one is perfect, but your intention will matter.

And give me a call.  Every family is different!

I offer a one-time, complimentary, 15 min consultation & we can go from there!

And if you haven't already, take a look at my FAQ's.  They can be very helpful as well!

Warmly,

Molly